That's it. I'm starting something new. As each week catapults the Dolphins into first place of Suck, more and more mindless fans hit up the "Comments" sections of the various Miami papers to voice their displeasure, oftentimes in terribly unedited and punctuated ALL-CAPS!!! rants. Within these posts written in second-grade prose, the irate poster usually stopes to frivolous name-calling and/or unintentionally comedic attempts at a cyber insult.
With that said, I'll dedicate a post or two or three or however-many to the dumbest comments of the week from our fan base. Why, you ask? Because people are idiots, and they need to be called out for their stupidity. It's about time someone took initiative and launched an assault on said idiots because with each "I'VE BEN A FAN FOR 20+ YEARS AND WAYNE SHOUD SEEL THE TEAM!!! I'M GIVIN BAK MY SEASON TICKKETS!!! FIRE CAMMERON AND HIRE COWHLHWHER!!!", you, the educated fan, are being poorly represented. With each highly clever, well-thought-out altering of a player or coach's name to include a knock on his masculinity or football sense ("Cleo-patra Lemon", "Shitzenga", "Cam CaMORON" etc. etc.), you, the level-headed, well-read Dolphin fan, are being grouped in with these clowns.
Fire away.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Game 8: NYG 13 MIA 10
Well...we're getting there? It's typical that, just a couple weeks ago, following the Phins loss to Cleveland, I wrote about our offense and its "fun factor", meaning I don't feel an urge to claw my eyes out while watching the offensive unit. Then what happens? Easily the most boring 60 minutes of football endured this year.
Enough about London, the grumbling from hometown Miami fans, the giant Jason Taylor blow-up doll, which received more press than a wrinkled shirt (What? I'm still working on my Rick Reilly metaphors...or is it a simile?), the Dolphins once again looked clueless. However, the defense looked OK and showed some pissiness (Was that Cameron Worrell in a shoving match?).
Filling in for Ronnie Brown, Jesse Chatman showed some flash and, at times, ran the ball like a beast. He did look awfully tough out there, which is good to see. Jason Allen got his first start and didn't get burned. Now THAT's progress. Lorenzo Booker was activated? Ginn had a touchdown over the middle -- his only catch of the game, which came under two minutes. I got nothing else. Cleo Lemon looked horrid and all but hand-delivered the starting job to John Beck. As Jason Cole wrote last week, Beck will probably get the keys against Buffalo. Armando of the Herald seems to think so, too.
Scanning the Florida papers, solid story from the Herald on former Phin Sam Madison and his feelings regarding yesterday's game.
Here's something to consider: Miami hasn't won since December 10th of last year. Logically, let's look at the remaining games: Buffalo; at Philly; at Pittsburgh; NYJ; at Buffalo; Baltimore; at New England and Cincy. Realistically, Miami could eek out a win or two against Buffalo and/or New York, but as we've seen the past few seasons, the Dolphins are completely unpredictable -- awful for five, six, seven games, then a blowout win against an overwhelming favorite. Who knows, really? Saying that, the one constant this season is awful football, so let's keep our fleeting optimism in check.
Let's wait and see what kind of roster shenanigans come in the next two weeks. Deion Sanders signing?
Enough about London, the grumbling from hometown Miami fans, the giant Jason Taylor blow-up doll, which received more press than a wrinkled shirt (What? I'm still working on my Rick Reilly metaphors...or is it a simile?), the Dolphins once again looked clueless. However, the defense looked OK and showed some pissiness (Was that Cameron Worrell in a shoving match?).
Filling in for Ronnie Brown, Jesse Chatman showed some flash and, at times, ran the ball like a beast. He did look awfully tough out there, which is good to see. Jason Allen got his first start and didn't get burned. Now THAT's progress. Lorenzo Booker was activated? Ginn had a touchdown over the middle -- his only catch of the game, which came under two minutes. I got nothing else. Cleo Lemon looked horrid and all but hand-delivered the starting job to John Beck. As Jason Cole wrote last week, Beck will probably get the keys against Buffalo. Armando of the Herald seems to think so, too.
Scanning the Florida papers, solid story from the Herald on former Phin Sam Madison and his feelings regarding yesterday's game.
Here's something to consider: Miami hasn't won since December 10th of last year. Logically, let's look at the remaining games: Buffalo; at Philly; at Pittsburgh; NYJ; at Buffalo; Baltimore; at New England and Cincy. Realistically, Miami could eek out a win or two against Buffalo and/or New York, but as we've seen the past few seasons, the Dolphins are completely unpredictable -- awful for five, six, seven games, then a blowout win against an overwhelming favorite. Who knows, really? Saying that, the one constant this season is awful football, so let's keep our fleeting optimism in check.
Let's wait and see what kind of roster shenanigans come in the next two weeks. Deion Sanders signing?
Friday, October 26, 2007
Wildness from Yahoo!
Two HUGE pieces of news to address from former Herald reporter and current Yahoo! sports writer -- Mr. Jason Cole.
First off, undisclosed "sources" tell Cole that John Beck will get the start against Buffalo on Nov. 11. I'm not seeing anything as of yet from the Miami papers. If true, this is great news for Dolphin fans and Mormons everywhere. Congratulations, boys. Seriously, though, I pinned a John Beck start by week 5. Week 10 ain't bad. Lemon isn't the future, blah blah blah, and seeing that the Phins will most certainly have a top 3 pick in next year's draft, Cameron and Co. would be stupid to not consider drafting a QB. Eh. It hurts my stomach to write that sentence. I like this idea. Let's go with it.
And, finally, this Nagasaki nugget of speculation: "Source: Parcells could be in Dolphins mix". Read that headline again. And again. Think about this scenario. Ridiculous or realistic? I don't even know what to make of this.
First off, undisclosed "sources" tell Cole that John Beck will get the start against Buffalo on Nov. 11. I'm not seeing anything as of yet from the Miami papers. If true, this is great news for Dolphin fans and Mormons everywhere. Congratulations, boys. Seriously, though, I pinned a John Beck start by week 5. Week 10 ain't bad. Lemon isn't the future, blah blah blah, and seeing that the Phins will most certainly have a top 3 pick in next year's draft, Cameron and Co. would be stupid to not consider drafting a QB. Eh. It hurts my stomach to write that sentence. I like this idea. Let's go with it.
And, finally, this Nagasaki nugget of speculation: "Source: Parcells could be in Dolphins mix". Read that headline again. And again. Think about this scenario. Ridiculous or realistic? I don't even know what to make of this.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Ronnie's out for the Year
I've been to South Florida on a number of occasions, and, yes, when it rains it does in fact pour. Likewise for the Miami Dolphins. First Trent Green's five-game Dolphin career, then Yeremiah Bell's and Renaldo Hill's season enders, then Donovin Darius, then Lamont Thompson, then Cameron Worrell's best Cameron Worrell impression, then Jason Allen, then Vonnie Holliday, then I'm bored with this, then 0-7, and now Ronnie Brown -- the one shiny nugget of corn in this heaping turd of the Dolphin season -- is reportedly out for the year with a knee injury.
Really, all I can do is laugh. How can it get any worse. To quote Clark W. Griswold from "Christmas Vacation" -- "Worse?!!! We're standing on the threshold of Hell!!"
I'll get to the Pats game after I finish constructing my Cameron Worrell voodoo doll.
Really, all I can do is laugh. How can it get any worse. To quote Clark W. Griswold from "Christmas Vacation" -- "Worse?!!! We're standing on the threshold of Hell!!"
I'll get to the Pats game after I finish constructing my Cameron Worrell voodoo doll.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Game 7 NE: Incredibly Thorough Preview
Board up the windows, boys. We've got a three-hour shitstorm headed our way.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Game 6: CLE 41 MIA 31
In regard to the Cleveland loss on Sunday...man...the defense torched for 41 points by Derek Anderson? I will say this: At the very least (...at the very, very, "grasping at straws" least), I'm not bored to tears watching the offense poke around the field. I really mean that. Think back to last season's showdown with Jets in the Meadowlands. Joey Harrington. No running game. One of the most eye-gougingly boring second-halves of football I've ever witnessed. Some games are hard to watch. This one in particular was unbearable. Now back to the present. Following Ginn's would-be kickoff return to begin the second half, I didn't think there was a chance in hell that Miami had it in them to man up, head down the field and score. They did, and I was completely astounded. Then, for a reality check on how God-awful this team is, the offense gave themselves a pat on the back and called it a day.
Chambers. Gone.
Finally, some great news in an otherwise horseshit season of football. Chris Chambers was traded to the Chargers today for a second-round pick, and I'm so damn ecstatic I felt inspired to actually post.
I've said time and again that Chambers isn't nearly the receiver he ought to be. I'm sure he'll do just fine in San Diego, and chances are, he might just put up phenomenal numbers and become Player No. 133 to be nixed from the Dolphin line-up and succeed elsewhere. So be it. I hope he does well. He sure as hell wasn't doing much in Miami. Whether his mediocre numbers are a testament to shitty quarterbacks and coaches, well, then OK, fine.
Norv Turner. You're on:
Anyway, What's another five seasons in Miami doing to do for his career or for the team? Nada, especially considering the fact that this year's team is somehow worse than the 2004 squad, that Trent Green has had more rides on a fucking gurney than wins as a Dolphin. You remember the '04, right? They went 4-12, and the 2007 Dolphins are WORSE. HA!
The next obvious question that has to be asked is this: What now for Jason Taylor and Zach Thomas? How can they both NOT demand a trade after Chambers' departure? I say, if they demand a trade, Randy Mueller has to listen and, as tough as it would be, make the move.
(I realize this is completely contradictory of my past comments made toward other fans who suggested trading Taylor and Thomas. Blame it on my naive thinking that the Phins could turn it around. Fuck it. Let's clean house.)
They get what they paid for Chambers; Hagan and Ginn will get their throws, and, most importantly, management has actually come to terms with the fact that, yes, this team blows and changes are in order. Not minor changes either. More like, "You're excess baggage. See Ya" changes. Thank God the time has finally come.
I've said time and again that Chambers isn't nearly the receiver he ought to be. I'm sure he'll do just fine in San Diego, and chances are, he might just put up phenomenal numbers and become Player No. 133 to be nixed from the Dolphin line-up and succeed elsewhere. So be it. I hope he does well. He sure as hell wasn't doing much in Miami. Whether his mediocre numbers are a testament to shitty quarterbacks and coaches, well, then OK, fine.
Norv Turner. You're on:
"He's a very consistent player and he has big-play ability," Turner added.Nice coach-ese, Norv. Consistent? Chris Chambers. Consistent. Not really seeing it. Whatever you say, Norv.
Anyway, What's another five seasons in Miami doing to do for his career or for the team? Nada, especially considering the fact that this year's team is somehow worse than the 2004 squad, that Trent Green has had more rides on a fucking gurney than wins as a Dolphin. You remember the '04, right? They went 4-12, and the 2007 Dolphins are WORSE. HA!
The next obvious question that has to be asked is this: What now for Jason Taylor and Zach Thomas? How can they both NOT demand a trade after Chambers' departure? I say, if they demand a trade, Randy Mueller has to listen and, as tough as it would be, make the move.
(I realize this is completely contradictory of my past comments made toward other fans who suggested trading Taylor and Thomas. Blame it on my naive thinking that the Phins could turn it around. Fuck it. Let's clean house.)
They get what they paid for Chambers; Hagan and Ginn will get their throws, and, most importantly, management has actually come to terms with the fact that, yes, this team blows and changes are in order. Not minor changes either. More like, "You're excess baggage. See Ya" changes. Thank God the time has finally come.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Hey, Let's be Nice
When there’s no good news, it’s difficult to muster up enough drive to post on the Nice, but, shit, might as well.
My absence here was planned. I didn’t want to talk about Culpepper or the unending speculations on Ricky Williams’ future, injuries to Tillman, Holliday, possibly Crowder, the stagnant offense, the “hapless” defense, the “low point of the franchise”, “fire Cameron”, burn down the city, leave it in ashes, etc. etc.
But, dammit, at least Ronnie Brown looks sharp. Wouldn’t ya know, you have to give him his carries in order to determine whether he’s a bust or star.
Here’s some other positives and nice-ities to build from:
Cam Cameron means well. Ditto for the rest of the coaching staff.
Trent Green tries to be a marginally effective quarterback.
Ted Ginn, Jr. can run reallllllyy fast, and the fans love him.
Joey Porter is a fierce competitor.
Jay Feely exudes some real fire, which, in turn, translates to plenty of post-kick high-fives. Righteous!
Will Allen loves puppies*.
Samson Satele and Reagan Mauia love their mothers because they’re both Samoans, and, as reported, Samoans are family people and very wise.
The Dolphin defense leads the league in heart.
Wes Welker is too dangerous, so it’s a good thing he’s not on the team anymore.
OK, mull over the above list for the next few days and you’ll be cool as a cucumber for the first five minutes of the Houston game. See you in the loss column.
* Probably, but not likely
My absence here was planned. I didn’t want to talk about Culpepper or the unending speculations on Ricky Williams’ future, injuries to Tillman, Holliday, possibly Crowder, the stagnant offense, the “hapless” defense, the “low point of the franchise”, “fire Cameron”, burn down the city, leave it in ashes, etc. etc.
But, dammit, at least Ronnie Brown looks sharp. Wouldn’t ya know, you have to give him his carries in order to determine whether he’s a bust or star.
Here’s some other positives and nice-ities to build from:
Cam Cameron means well. Ditto for the rest of the coaching staff.
Trent Green tries to be a marginally effective quarterback.
Ted Ginn, Jr. can run reallllllyy fast, and the fans love him.
Joey Porter is a fierce competitor.
Jay Feely exudes some real fire, which, in turn, translates to plenty of post-kick high-fives. Righteous!
Will Allen loves puppies*.
Samson Satele and Reagan Mauia love their mothers because they’re both Samoans, and, as reported, Samoans are family people and very wise.
The Dolphin defense leads the league in heart.
Wes Welker is too dangerous, so it’s a good thing he’s not on the team anymore.
OK, mull over the above list for the next few days and you’ll be cool as a cucumber for the first five minutes of the Houston game. See you in the loss column.
* Probably, but not likely
Monday, October 1, 2007
Game 4: OAK 35 MIA 17
Fucking laughable. Nearly as laughable as Jim Mandich's take on Sunday's suck-fest:
"But the real story of the day was Daunte Culpepper. He came back and rubbed the Dolphins' nose in dog poop."Simple and eloquent. Though, I would've referred to Culpepper as a "double dork burger with cheese."
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