The Holy S#$T News of the Year

Bill Parcells to Miami? Just a few hours after ESPN reported on Parcells' likely deal with the Atlanta Falcons, a deal that would put him in as head of football operations, the Dolphins have now jumped into negotiations.

From ESPN as of 4:22 p.m., Wednesday:

Parcells turned down the position, Falcons owner Arthur Blank said Wednesday in a statement. Blank said the team had an agreement in principle with Parcells, but after he told the Falcons he was considering an offer from the Miami Dolphins, negotiations fell through.

Sources close to Parcells told ESPN.com's Len Pasquarelli that Parcells and the Dolphins are in active negotiations and are closing in on a deal.

And this...

Dolphins spokesman Harvey Greene declined comment, saying the organization does not discuss rumors.

"Really?" defensive lineman Vonnie Holliday said when told by The AP about Parcells' apparent interest in the Dolphins. "You can't control it. But somebody like the Big Tuna, regardless of who's in the front office or who's not, brings a lot of respect and a lot of credibility with him. He's a Hall of Famer. If you're a free agent out there, that might draw you in."

Parcells is not in the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

The story broke as many Dolphins were playing cards and dominoes in the locker room after practice, and instantly, many of them began turning heads toward the televisions scattered about the room.

It didn't take long for even the mere mention of Parcells to create a buzz in Miami.

"I have a lot of respect for what he's been able to do in other places and I'd expect, if he did come in here, for him to do the same," Holliday said. "I don't know what's going to happen upstairs. I have no idea. I have a lot of respect for [GM] Randy Mueller, as well. But my interest is in what's best for this team and getting us in the right direction."

To you, tortured Dolphins fan, I say, "Holy F. S."

Taylor Gets Lei'ed

AHHAH!!! Get it?! Hawaii, Pro Bowl? It's a play on words regarding the sex!!

Jason Taylor made the Pro Bowl. High-five, bro. While some d-bags questioned your leadership, heart and dedication, you went about your business and proved to us yet again that you are by far Miami's only talent on defense. Yeah, yeah, that doesn't exactly say much, but you get my drift. This despite sharing the field with teammates better suited in fetching you a post-game burger. This despite taking orders from someone who should be working under you. 

Nice work out there, fella.

Good talk. 

Count it

At work... Sunday, sometime around 3:45 p.m.

Me (away from computer, television, reality) : "What do we got on the Dolphins game?"
Coworker (computer boy): "16-13, Dolphins. Ravens driving."
Me : "#%#$"

(Five minutes later)
Me: "Where they (Ravens) at?"
Coworker: "Third and goal."
Me: "#$%"
Coworker : "Fourth and goal."
Me: "Nice."
Coworker: "Overtime."
Me: "I'll take it."

(Five minutes later)
Me: "Yo?"
Coworker: "Ravens at mid-field and driving."
Me: "#$#"

(Two minutes later)
Coworker: "Missed it!"
Me: "#$#!!!"

(Three minutes later)
Coworker: "Touchdown Miami."
Me: "@#$ you!"
Coworker: "Greg Cama...Cama."
Me: "Camarillo? Holy @#$!"

This is how I got the news following the Dolphins first win of the season. Yahoo's LiveTracker: BAL 16, MIA 22. Greg Cama-f#$ing-rillo with a 64-yard TD catch and run. Dramatic? Yes. Tear-jerking? Absolutely. Slightly embarrassing? Of course. But, c'mon, you heartless pricks, look at this picture and tell me you don't get a little teary-eyed. Huizenga's crying his eyes out in his suite; Cleo Lemon and Cam Cameron are participating in some man-love at the 50-yardline and some Dolphin players are openly laughing at the Raven's secondary. Win number one. This all capping a week in which Huizenga was reportedly taking offers for the team, then not taking them, and now he's willing to sell a minority stake. That's a whole other post.

The old adage says "A win's a win." Truth. We'll take it. Now enough of the opher talk.

Going into Sunday's game, as each previous week taught me, expecting anything more than a thorough ass-kicking was asking too much. Even with Baltimore's then six-game losing streak, Miami's chances were still slim. Hell, their chances in overtime were slim, but, dammit, what a performance from Cleo Lemon -- 300+ yards through the air, a touch and no picks. Yes, we're a Jeff Stover kick away from our 14th loss, secondary looked shakey, no running game -- same old problems. However, we got the win, and I for one will take it. Add to the handful of positives a decent game from Lorenzo Booker -- 6 catches, 60 yards, a few carries -- certainly not the reason for the victory but if Sunday's win was any indication of Booker's future role on this team, he'll most certainly be a much-needed punch to the offense. Terry Kirby v2.0?

Speaking of improvements, has their been a more improved player on our defense than Michael Lehan? Wait, you ask, didn't you just say the secondary had/has issues? Yes, it does -- specifically Travis Daniels. Lehan, though, has played quite well (emphasis: not "great", "well") at the nickel spot, and assuming the kind of roster moves to be made in the offseason, I'd expect him to stick around for another season. Lance Schulters and Cameron Worrell? Not so much.

Next up is New England. Yikes.

2008 Draft

A topic on Armando's blog has everyone speculating on the Dolphins' plans for next year's draft. Let's face it, this is what we have to look forward to, and there are already a ton of suggestions -- some valid, some space-cadet.

Armando suggests, given Miami's decade-long string of bad luck in replacing Marino, the Phins have to get quarterbacks in the draft, like, first-round pick. This got me thinking. Everyone has us pinned to take Glen Dorsey, the d-tackle out of LSU, and that sounds great. We need help at the position, but I'm a little leery of taking a DT at pick one. Sounds silly in my book. 

So just how nuts would it be to take a QB in the first round? Well, first off, if management says to Hell with Beck and goes QB at pick one, they'd be making the single dumbest and most laughable move a team could make. The thought of Brohm, Ryan or Brennan with pick one makes me nervous due to the fact that it's so silly I could see Miami doing it. Most agree, though, that the aforementioned QBs aren't top-five worthy. 

Others say Darren McFadden, and being the college football dummy that I am, I figured he was a back capable of lining up in the slot -- for a lack of a better comparison, a Reggie Bush type. On the contrary, he's a horse. (I realize I'm not exactly pulling a Mel Kiper here. I'll never pretend to know the college game, but I'm simply stating my embarrassingly weak, first-grade knowledge of college prospects. Got it, sweet Charlie?) It's an enticing scenario, but no. Running back is taken care of.

Which brings me to this: If there is anything to indicate that Dorsey or Long or who-the-hell-ever is NOT a 10+ year veteran candidate, trade down. McFadden will be a nice bargaining chip for the Phins, and given Adrian Peterson's overwhelming success this season, I think most teams with a need at running back will spark some trade talks. 

From there, sure, if a quarterback is available, I wouldn't be upset with drafting another. With that said, there are so many other needs to address -- offensive and defensive lines, wideouts, corners and safeties -- that "fixing" this team with one draft class is damn near impossible.

touché

Yeah, about all that Lorenzo Booker noise from yesterday...

... looks like he will, in fact, get more playing time.

 

Well then, good! 

Longest Post Ever

Dammit, has it been a long season in the life of a Dolphins fan, and after an extended leave of absence from this blog, it's time to tighten the belt and shuffle on. Last time we spoke, the Phins were days away from being completely and comically dismantled by the Pittsburgh Steelers. Then God sent a miracle in the form of a complete Heinz Field washout, and Miami still couldn't muster enough offense to overcome a measly three-point deficit. Then the Jets, not exactly New England Jr., stockpiles somewhere in the realm of 5,000 yards of total offense and puts up 40+ on us. Loss number 12. 

Then Buffalo hangs 24 points in the first quarter, Beck forgets what he does for a living, and, by the time the Phins hit the field with Cleo, I was already in stall #2 seeing the effects of plate number three from the buffet line. Ironically, my contribution to the Township Grille's restroom turned out to be the perfect metaphor for the Miami Dolphins 2007 season.

This week, we're hearing more and more about Cameron's inefficiencies as coach and, most of all, the divide between he and his players. Other than the occasional "We're at rock bottom now" quote from Keith Traylor and, oh yeah, the fact the Phins haven't won a game, there was little to indicate that Cam wasn't getting along with his team. Jason Taylor finally spoke out, and it seems likely the rest of boys will follow suit. These next three weeks will be full of speculation on the future of Cam Cameron as head coach. Players don't like him. Fans hate him, but Huizenga, reportedly, likes him. We'll see how much that opinion changes if the Dolphins fail to win a game. Personally, I think the guy is screwed -- the goat in a long line of botched personnel and careless roster moves that he had nothing to do with. 

Fact of the matter is this team has little talent outside of Ronnie Brown and Taylor. Allow me to get sidetracked and rant a little... Samkon Gato. What the shit? How is he getting starts? Will he be with the team next year or taking offers from CFL teams?  I wouldn't be taking such issue with this if we didn't have someone like Lorenzo Booker, a quick rookie with great hands and plenty of guessing as to why in the hell he doesn't play more. On the saddest team in the NFL -- and possibly the worst team in NFL history -- management has decided it's not in the team's best interests to play Booker but instead... Samkon "Remember those few good games I had when I played for Green Bay?" Gato. This begs the question, "Why the F#$# are we not starting Booker?!" It's a question that not even the Dolphin beat writers have gotten a logical answer to. Amongst the myriad questionable coaching moves, this one irks me the most. 

Back to John Beck, Cleo Lemon and the most pathetic QB controversy by far. Did I like the fact Beck was pulled against Buffalo? Pretty much. Obviously, he was shook, scared stiff. Another part of me would have liked to see him stay in and maybe, and this is a huge maybe, turn it around despite an embarrassing first few series. But, alas, his poor play did enough damage to secure a seat on the bench for Sunday's game against Baltimore. I get it -- Miami needs that first win and Lemon, clearly, is the best option. 

Is there anything to be excited about this Sunday? Simply put -- not really. Baltimore has lost seven straight games, and because of that, the Phins are expected to have a slight chance. I take that to mean they'll hang tough for the first quarter, and then settle into their usual roll-over-and-die role. 

With all this said, all this woe-is-us talk, I'm cool with it. Honestly, I'm excited to see what happens, what young talent we bring in. Huizenga, despite the growing number of frustrated fans who are calling for his head, is a great owner. Period. He wants to win; we can never fault him for dragging his feet to better the team. 

Ted Ginn, who upon his selection sent every fan into a cuss-filled tirade, looks promising from my point of view. I look forward to watching him improve. Ditto for Beck, Satele and the rest of this year's draft class. 

Bottom line is: Root for your team. Don't be a bitch.

Miami Dolphins: Best Winless Team Ever.

Hey, geeks. Hope these two statistical insights numb the pain a little.

Two reliable sources with a deep passion for triangles and wacky, pretentious math formulas have confirmed that, contrary to the fact that the Phins haven't come out victorious in nearly one full year -- Miami is the best 0-10 team in NFL history.

Nice. High-five...no?

Ricky to Start

Strange. Armando says Ricky will start at Pittsburgh tonight, but so far, no one else is reporting this story. Seeing as though this is pretty big news I would assume at the very least that ESPN would pick up the story, but nothing as of yet. Add to my skeptism the fact Mando broke the news via his blog -- not exactly the first place I'd go with the scoop of the week, but hey, what the hell.

With a Ricky start we can go ahead and say so much for Cam being a stickler for good behavior. All that squeeky-clean garbage doesn't put notches in the win column. This guy is desperate. A five-time offender of the league's drug policy? Nah, no problem. You're our guy.

Way to represent the organization. You're all class, Miami.

Bullshit.

Game 11 @ PIT

Ricky, Ricky, Ricky. It's all about Ricky going into Sunday's game against Pittsburgh. Will he start or won't he? Cameron is mute on the matter; Ricky feels fine. Whatever. The story should be Beck's second stab running this offense. He looked borderline awful but considering the circumstances -- his first start, a blitz-happy Eagles team, the Phins are garbage, etc. -- he did just fine. He'll get there. Hell, after last night's Denver game, it looks as if Cutler's coming around after nearly a full season under his belt. I'm optimistic on Beck. I dig him...

As far as the rest of the team goes, there are reasons to be excited about the future. If Ginn has proven anything this year it's that he doesn't suck completely and certainly not the draft bust every cynical Dolphin fan assumed upon his selection (My, this crow sure is tender). And, suddenly out of nowhere, our defense is actually improving. Slowly, but still. I won't make too much out of Jason Allen's two picks last week, but it's good to see him take his licks and gain some confidence. Damn, did he need it.

Also, the offensive line looks great. Did anyone think Houck could turn this unit around? They've been the one constant this season.

Anyway, Pittsburgh. Willie Parker will destroy. John Boy will make plenty of mistakes against this defense. Add to that Jesse Chatman's ankle injury and I can now understand all the noise regarding Ricky. End.

Game 10 @ PHI

I haven't done a preview in quite some time. Why not, right?

We know the storyline coming in -- Beck's first start, our preliminary glimpse into the Phins' second-round draft choice. Regardless of Miami's putrid record and the fact that losses are now met with mere shoulder shrugs, to have Beck in is actually pretty damn exciting. Easily the only time this season when I can say I'm flatout eager to watch the Dolphins play. Expectations should be low, so I say -- Forget winning. If Beck goes 17-30 with 200+ yards and the Phins get bombed out by 24, consider me happy. Seriously. I mean that completely. Throw to Ginn 5 to 8 times. Send Booker and Hagan deep. Test his arm. Go nuts. All passivity should be throw out the friggin' window.

With all that said, I still think the Phins have a shot to win this game. The offense has fared pretty well this year in converting third downs, and although the defensive unit has been the team's Achilles, they've actually improved statistically spanning the past few weeks. I'm talking about in terms of third-down conversions. I wrote about this on the dailyfilter.

Zach Thomas and Matt Roth are both out. Crowder and Wright will replace them, respectively.

There are my brief thoughts. To read an actual, comprehensive preview, go here.

Ricky's Reinstated

Ricky's back. What this means to the Dolphins, no one knows.

I like the guy; I can appreciate his ideals and hope he gets himself figured out. In terms of the team, he's nothing but a headline. Most fans are holding out for some storybook return with numbers reminiscent of 2002 or '03, but he's done with the Dolphins. Deal with it.

Cam has been rather mute regarding Ricky, and following the Fred Evans release, I was curious to how long Cam would drag out a decision on Ricky. If Cam is, in fact, a stickler for solid off-the-field behavior, then RW would be idling on the waiver wire by now. Considering the Phins will be set with running backs NEXT SEASON (Ronnie, Chatman and Booker?), there's really only one reason to string Ricky along -- trade bait.

He's continually been brought up in trade speculation, but, honestly, I can't see how Ricky could have any trade value at this point. Drug and personal issues aside, he's 30 and hasn't played in two years. In the best-case scenario, Ricky's worth a sixth or seventh rounder, maybe.

With all this said, Ricky's career isn't over. Mortenson mentioned the Pats as a possible suitor for RW, and, damn, would New England be a great place for him to succeed. Keep in mind he went to rehab in Boston...whatever that means. Forget I said that.

Beck's the Guy vs. Philly

Hold up. Real quick. I didn't watch a second of the Bills game. I spent last Sunday away from the television, thinking that somehow my association with all things non-Dolphins would have some black-magic, reverse-psychological impact on the outcome. Two hours into it, my curiosity got the best of me. Once I checked in in the third quarter and saw a 3-2 score, I knew I made the right decision to not watch this game. As one relative and Bills fan texted, "This is the game we deserve."

But...

Apparently, the Buffalo loss was it for Cleo. ESPN is reporting that my boy and yours, the future -- Mr. John Beck, will get his first go-around against Philly this weekend. Ring out the bells. Leteth the Mormons rejoiceth.

As we've said repeatedly, this move makes sense for obvious reasons. Beck will finish out the year, seven games of trial by fire. More importantly, those seven games will give coaches plenty to work with as far as evaluation goes. Let the Beck era begin...

Miami and Heartbreak are Like this... (crossing my fingers)

Like a lot of my usual Internet reading material from October, I missed this.

I thoroughly enjoy Pro Football Reference's work, and I encourage any insight-seeking football fan to check out their blog.

Call Out Boy

If Belichick is truly fueled by "Spygate", and that appears like a completely legitimate consideration, I can only imagine what kind of destruction he'll dish out on the Dolphins come December 23. This coming after Don Shula's suggestion that the 2007 Pats' season be marked by an asterisk. This isn't some random jab from the incessantly quotable Jay Feely or one of the jack-offs from the 1972 team; this is Grandpa Dolphin himself, one of the best coaches in sports history. I can understand all the hub-bub but can't help but think of Belichick hearing this news, turning to his coaches and asking in hushed, calm tones: "What do you think? 60+? Let's crack 70 against these clowns."

Merry Christmas, boys.

Devil's Advocate: Beck or Lemon?

Contrary to common sense, Cleo Lemon will get the start against Buffalo and delay John Boy Beck's quest for world domination. Conventional wisdom says now is the time to throw the rookie in and let him take his licks, and I can't disagree with that. I realize that stating the majority opinion does little for debate, so to make things interesting, I'll play devil's advocate. Here's the voice of the majority:

"Cleo Lemon isn't our future starter. Beck is."

That may be the case, but consider that Lemon is 28 and Beck, the rook, is 26. So, how should one define "future"? Five-years worth of production? Six? Seven? Truth is, it SHOULD be an open competition. The only reason Beck is considered the "future" is due to his second-round status, and the obvious fact that he hasn't played yet. Imaginations are running wild. Beck jump-starting the offense. Beck to Ginn. Beck to Booker. Touchdown! Touchdown! Touchdown! It's all a wonderful, orgasmic dream. But consider that the team's HUGE issue this season is not with the offense or the quarterback or, thank God, the offensive line. If our defense played with half the production as last year's unit the Phins could be at .500 or even better (Key word here is "could").

"This season's over. Play Beck. What's there to lose?"

I'm thinking Cam is sticking with Lemon not because of his play "giving us the best chance to win" or because "Beck's not ready" or any other press conference banalities. Let's cut the s&%$ here. His job will be at stake if he gives the offense to Beck and he struggles...like bad...like Heath Shuler bad. There's so much more at stake than a couple wins this season. For Cameron, disappointing play from Beck -- his guy, the QB he waited to get -- would only reflect on Cam's inability to evaluate talent (And, boy, has that been a problem for the Dolphins). He didn't make friends drafting Ginn over Quinn, and judging by the response he got for that pick, we can only imagine what the public outcry would be if Beck falters. The safest and, I'll admit, wussiest of moves would be to play Lemon, which is exactly what Cam's doing this week.

"Why not play them both -- platoon style?"

Sure, it's not a "future" move, but at the very least it gives Beck some playing time. The only problem is Cam would be pussy-footing around the issue, getting his toes wet before jumping in head first. If Beck is, in fact, the "future", give him the job...the whole damn thing. Make a choice and stand by it. That's what any good, er, marginally OK, er, considerably underperforming coach would do, right?

"BECK ISnt PLAYNG becuze HEs a bust! Fire CAmORON!!!"

Typical mindless banter from the fairweathers. Next.

"Roethlisberger dominated in his rookie season. How do we know Beck can't do the same?"

Logical point. If I remember correctly Big Ben was No. 2 on the depth chart his rookie season and only saw action when Tommy Maddox went down. Who knows what would have happened if ol' Tommy didn't break down. Sure, we also lost our starter to injury, but Beck is currently No. 3 on the depth chart for a reason -- he's a rookie, the Dolphins offense isn't exactly "run ten steps and break left", etc. Plus, comparing Roeth to Beck isn't exactly apples to apples. Least we forget that Pittsburgh's success in 2004 didn't ride solely on Ben's arm. The Steeler defense ranked No. 1 that year. Currently, Miami's defense ranks worst in points allowed and has contributed in approximately ZERO wins. Beck won't be our Big Ben this season.

If this Dolphin season continues down the path to SuckTown -- and there's really no reason to believe that there will be a change of course, the Phins will secure a top-3 pick. BC's Matt Ryan or whoever will get a long look, but this team has far too many needs than quarterback -- serious secondary help, d-line, receivers...Hell, we could use just about anybody. If Miami is playing for the future, management needs a solid assessment of Beck's play. Hesitating too much longer on a decision to play Beck might buy Cameron some time as coach, but it most certainly doesn't get us any closer to finding out who is best fit to run the Dolphin offense.

Intro "Idiot Fan of the Week"

That's it. I'm starting something new. As each week catapults the Dolphins into first place of Suck, more and more mindless fans hit up the "Comments" sections of the various Miami papers to voice their displeasure, oftentimes in terribly unedited and punctuated ALL-CAPS!!! rants. Within these posts written in second-grade prose, the irate poster usually stopes to frivolous name-calling and/or unintentionally comedic attempts at a cyber insult.

With that said, I'll dedicate a post or two or three or however-many to the dumbest comments of the week from our fan base. Why, you ask? Because people are idiots, and they need to be called out for their stupidity. It's about time someone took initiative and launched an assault on said idiots because with each "I'VE BEN A FAN FOR 20+ YEARS AND WAYNE SHOUD SEEL THE TEAM!!! I'M GIVIN BAK MY SEASON TICKKETS!!! FIRE CAMMERON AND HIRE COWHLHWHER!!!", you, the educated fan, are being poorly represented. With each highly clever, well-thought-out altering of a player or coach's name to include a knock on his masculinity or football sense ("Cleo-patra Lemon", "Shitzenga", "Cam CaMORON" etc. etc.), you, the level-headed, well-read Dolphin fan, are being grouped in with these clowns.

Fire away.

Game 8: NYG 13 MIA 10

Well...we're getting there? It's typical that, just a couple weeks ago, following the Phins loss to Cleveland, I wrote about our offense and its "fun factor", meaning I don't feel an urge to claw my eyes out while watching the offensive unit. Then what happens? Easily the most boring 60 minutes of football endured this year.

Enough about London, the grumbling from hometown Miami fans, the giant Jason Taylor blow-up doll, which received more press than a wrinkled shirt (What? I'm still working on my Rick Reilly metaphors...or is it a simile?), the Dolphins once again looked clueless. However, the defense looked OK and showed some pissiness (Was that Cameron Worrell in a shoving match?).
Filling in for Ronnie Brown, Jesse Chatman showed some flash and, at times, ran the ball like a beast. He did look awfully tough out there, which is good to see. Jason Allen got his first start and didn't get burned. Now THAT's progress. Lorenzo Booker was activated? Ginn had a touchdown over the middle -- his only catch of the game, which came under two minutes. I got nothing else. Cleo Lemon looked horrid and all but hand-delivered the starting job to John Beck. As Jason Cole wrote last week, Beck will probably get the keys against Buffalo. Armando of the Herald seems to think so, too.

Scanning the Florida papers, solid story from the Herald on former Phin Sam Madison and his feelings regarding yesterday's game.

Here's something to consider: Miami hasn't won since December 10th of last year. Logically, let's look at the remaining games: Buffalo; at Philly; at Pittsburgh; NYJ; at Buffalo; Baltimore; at New England and Cincy. Realistically, Miami could eek out a win or two against Buffalo and/or New York, but as we've seen the past few seasons, the Dolphins are completely unpredictable -- awful for five, six, seven games, then a blowout win against an overwhelming favorite. Who knows, really? Saying that, the one constant this season is awful football, so let's keep our fleeting optimism in check.

Let's wait and see what kind of roster shenanigans come in the next two weeks. Deion Sanders signing?

Wildness from Yahoo!

Two HUGE pieces of news to address from former Herald reporter and current Yahoo! sports writer -- Mr. Jason Cole.

First off, undisclosed "sources" tell Cole that John Beck will get the start against Buffalo on Nov. 11. I'm not seeing anything as of yet from the Miami papers. If true, this is great news for Dolphin fans and Mormons everywhere. Congratulations, boys. Seriously, though, I pinned a John Beck start by week 5. Week 10 ain't bad. Lemon isn't the future, blah blah blah, and seeing that the Phins will most certainly have a top 3 pick in next year's draft, Cameron and Co. would be stupid to not consider drafting a QB. Eh. It hurts my stomach to write that sentence. I like this idea. Let's go with it.

And, finally, this Nagasaki nugget of speculation: "Source: Parcells could be in Dolphins mix". Read that headline again. And again. Think about this scenario. Ridiculous or realistic? I don't even know what to make of this.

Ronnie's out for the Year

I've been to South Florida on a number of occasions, and, yes, when it rains it does in fact pour. Likewise for the Miami Dolphins. First Trent Green's five-game Dolphin career, then Yeremiah Bell's and Renaldo Hill's season enders, then Donovin Darius, then Lamont Thompson, then Cameron Worrell's best Cameron Worrell impression, then Jason Allen, then Vonnie Holliday, then I'm bored with this, then 0-7, and now Ronnie Brown -- the one shiny nugget of corn in this heaping turd of the Dolphin season -- is reportedly out for the year with a knee injury.

Really, all I can do is laugh. How can it get any worse. To quote Clark W. Griswold from "Christmas Vacation" -- "Worse?!!! We're standing on the threshold of Hell!!"

I'll get to the Pats game after I finish constructing my Cameron Worrell voodoo doll.

Game 7 NE: Incredibly Thorough Preview

Board up the windows, boys. We've got a three-hour shitstorm headed our way.

Game 6: CLE 41 MIA 31

In regard to the Cleveland loss on Sunday...man...the defense torched for 41 points by Derek Anderson? I will say this: At the very least (...at the very, very, "grasping at straws" least), I'm not bored to tears watching the offense poke around the field. I really mean that. Think back to last season's showdown with Jets in the Meadowlands. Joey Harrington. No running game. One of the most eye-gougingly boring second-halves of football I've ever witnessed. Some games are hard to watch. This one in particular was unbearable. Now back to the present. Following Ginn's would-be kickoff return to begin the second half, I didn't think there was a chance in hell that Miami had it in them to man up, head down the field and score. They did, and I was completely astounded. Then, for a reality check on how God-awful this team is, the offense gave themselves a pat on the back and called it a day.

Chambers. Gone.

Finally, some great news in an otherwise horseshit season of football. Chris Chambers was traded to the Chargers today for a second-round pick, and I'm so damn ecstatic I felt inspired to actually post.

I've said time and again that Chambers isn't nearly the receiver he ought to be. I'm sure he'll do just fine in San Diego, and chances are, he might just put up phenomenal numbers and become Player No. 133 to be nixed from the Dolphin line-up and succeed elsewhere. So be it. I hope he does well. He sure as hell wasn't doing much in Miami. Whether his mediocre numbers are a testament to shitty quarterbacks and coaches, well, then OK, fine.

Norv Turner. You're on:

"He's a very consistent player and he has big-play ability," Turner added.

Nice coach-ese, Norv. Consistent? Chris Chambers. Consistent. Not really seeing it. Whatever you say, Norv.

Anyway, What's another five seasons in Miami doing to do for his career or for the team? Nada, especially considering the fact that this year's team is somehow worse than the 2004 squad, that Trent Green has had more rides on a fucking gurney than wins as a Dolphin. You remember the '04, right? They went 4-12, and the 2007 Dolphins are WORSE. HA!

The next obvious question that has to be asked is this: What now for Jason Taylor and Zach Thomas? How can they both NOT demand a trade after Chambers' departure? I say, if they demand a trade, Randy Mueller has to listen and, as tough as it would be, make the move.
(I realize this is completely contradictory of my past comments made toward other fans who suggested trading Taylor and Thomas. Blame it on my naive thinking that the Phins could turn it around. Fuck it. Let's clean house.)

They get what they paid for Chambers; Hagan and Ginn will get their throws, and, most importantly, management has actually come to terms with the fact that, yes, this team blows and changes are in order. Not minor changes either. More like, "You're excess baggage. See Ya" changes. Thank God the time has finally come.

Hey, Let's be Nice

When there’s no good news, it’s difficult to muster up enough drive to post on the Nice, but, shit, might as well.

My absence here was planned. I didn’t want to talk about Culpepper or the unending speculations on Ricky Williams’ future, injuries to Tillman, Holliday, possibly Crowder, the stagnant offense, the “hapless” defense, the “low point of the franchise”, “fire Cameron”, burn down the city, leave it in ashes, etc. etc.

But, dammit, at least Ronnie Brown looks sharp. Wouldn’t ya know, you have to give him his carries in order to determine whether he’s a bust or star.

Here’s some other positives and nice-ities to build from:

Cam Cameron means well. Ditto for the rest of the coaching staff.

Trent Green tries to be a marginally effective quarterback.

Ted Ginn, Jr. can run reallllllyy fast, and the fans love him.

Joey Porter is a fierce competitor.

Jay Feely exudes some real fire, which, in turn, translates to plenty of post-kick high-fives. Righteous!

Will Allen loves puppies*.

Samson Satele and Reagan Mauia love their mothers because they’re both Samoans, and, as reported, Samoans are family people and very wise.

The Dolphin defense leads the league in heart.

Wes Welker is too dangerous, so it’s a good thing he’s not on the team anymore.

OK, mull over the above list for the next few days and you’ll be cool as a cucumber for the first five minutes of the Houston game. See you in the loss column.

* Probably, but not likely

Game 4: OAK 35 MIA 17

Fucking laughable. Nearly as laughable as Jim Mandich's take on Sunday's suck-fest:

"But the real story of the day was Daunte Culpepper. He came back and rubbed the Dolphins' nose in dog poop."

Simple and eloquent. Though, I would've referred to Culpepper as a "double dork burger with cheese."

Skolnick on Beck

A great, level-headed column from Ethan Skolnick today on John Beck's future as our starter. Though our season is most likely in the tank and the thought of throwing the new guy into the starting role sounds appealing, doing so could do more harm than good. I tend to agree. Let Green finish out the season. John Boy's time will come, fellas.

Game 4: OAK @ MIA

As if a meeting between two heavyweights like the Raiders and Phins wasn’t enough, it looks like Knees Culpepper will make the start for Oakland. Does this have bad news written all over it or what? Karma will be on Daunte’s side, and we all know God AND His only begotten son are both unwavering supporters of the Patriots, hence Miami’s 10 years of weeping and the gnashing of teeth. (See, Pats fans, all those centuries of Puritanism really did pay off!)

On our side of the ball, Joey Porter has guaranteed a win. Add this to the C-Pep news and we have a hearty supply of shit to hit the proverbial fan in the event of a loss. However, Miami has a legitimate shot to run the table and, try to wrap your head around this, maybe even look impressive. With three games deep, Oakland’s defense is 27th in the league in average yards allowed (381.7) and 8th in average points allowed (27.7), so we’re not talking about the ’99-2000 Ravens here.

I say, let’s see some more “Ronnie Ball” ™. This is turn will keep our defense off the field and where they should be: On the sidelines and sucking oxygen out of tanks. Haven’t you heard? Our defense is old, and if you’re too stubborn to come to that realization, take it from an “insider” who knows the game’s ins and outs, a veteran whose insights and talents have built a consistent playoff contender. Someone like a Cleveland Browns scout.

And, finally, it's still uncertain whether Zach Thomas will make the start on Sunday.

Game 3: NYJ 31, MIA 28

You know it's a tough loss when you can't find the right words to convey the sinking feeling in your gut, the ache that comes when a terrible team makes another bad team look great. It pains me even more that The D-Bag is so right about this team once again. From his latest:

"See if this sounds familiar? When the Miami defense is good, the offense isn't. When the offense is good, the defense isn't. When both are OK, the special teams collapse. This is how it works with losers. They aren't good enough to be consistent at anything, so you can't name a single thing the Dolphins do consistently well. Not one."

On paper, this was a win. Ronnie Brown destroyed Jet defenders in the best performance of his life; the offensive line?!; Trent Green looked straight up impressive; Booker, Chambers and Brown all opened up the passing game and registered absolutely zero drops; just one turnover; over 400 yards total offense. Surely our defense would hold up. Jets 31 Phins 28. Fuck.

Minus Leon Washington's kick return, which clearly was the "Nice try, boys. Enjoy the flight back to Miami" play of the game, the Phins played a great first-half, winning the time-of-possession battle and subsequently killing the Jets in total yards. Our play calls toward the end of the half, though, were mind-boggling. Inside the Jet 20 in the two-minute drill with Ronnie running like a god damn horse, we pass the ball three straight times and kick the field goal. On the ensuing kickoff, special teams coach Keith Armstrong and Jay Feely had the following conversation:

Jay: "I'm putting this one in the end-zone."
Keith: "That's too easy..." (He pulls a club sandwich from his back pocket and takes a bite).
Jay: "So...?"
Keith: "Our defense looks bored. Let's give it to 'em mid field."
Jay: "NICE!!!"
Keith: "Yeah, BABY!!"

They score right before half. Game over.

There are plenty of areas to be slightly excited about, the obvious being the offensive turnaround that has me believing Cam does know what he's doing. But the defense...I mean, shit, if it's not one thing, it's the other. From my point of view, the secondary impressed, given their rag-tag status. If I remember correctly, Coles and Cotchery made some fairly impressive catches in coverage.

Other thoughts:

- As much as I dog on Chris Chambers for not being the playmaker he ought to be, he pulled down a number of tough catches in traffic. Likewise, Marty Booker was fearless over the middle.
- A number of reader comments on the Sentinel and Herald articles have suggested among other ridiculous notions ("trade Jason Taylor and Zach Thomas for draft picks") that John Beck should take over for Green since the season is all but lost. It's an entertaining thought, but the timing in making such a change would be questionable. After all, Green just tossed for 318 on 23/36. He's still the best option at this point.

Incidentally, I took in the Jets game at a bar with my two brothers, both of which are Bills fans. I had my eyes on both games, and after watching JP Losman and Trent Edwards dick around the field for 60 minutes, I came to the conclusion that Green is a formidable option at this point. Our QB position could be a whole lot worse.

- How about Ted Ginn Jr. and that Buckeye speed...that first-round zing? Second-round punt returners might net 3 or 4 return yards, but a first-rounder will get you about 6 net return yards, so it's worth it. In all fairness, a penalty negated his best punt return of the year, and he showcased some of that zip on kick returns.

Another frustrating loss. Another lost season. Plenty of questions to address. More seasons of rebuilding. Same old story. Same old Dolphins.

Next up is OAK.

Game 3 @ NYJ

I'm cutting this pretty close, so let's get to it. This, supposedly, is our season. Lose this one and we're finished. I can't completely disagree with this statement. Given our past performances in recent years, the Phins catch the losing bug and have had no problem rattling off a nice string of losses.

Jets. Laveranues Coles might just destroy us today (and, yes, I had to double-check the spelling). 31-10, Jets?

Thomas may be out for Sunday

Concussions. Never has bruising one's brain been such a hot topic this NFL season, and amidst talking-head ramblings I was curious as to how Zach Thomas was holding up in the concussion department. His latest may keep him out of Sunday's game against the Jets.

On a side, I'm still trying to comprehend Joey Porter's contribution to the story:

"When you have a concussion or something, a new mouthpiece always fits tighter and you get a better grip on it," Porter said. "He had a mouthpiece, but he just wanted another one. A brand new one is harder. The old one, you tend to chew on it, and you wear it out a little bit."

I guess it's a football thing.

Game 2: DAL 37, MIA 20

That score sounds about right.


Five turnovers, no running game, overthrows, and a new level of suck-dom.

Yep, that sounds about right, too.

Game 2: DAL @ MIA

Hmm...it's week two yet it's already starting to get difficult to be excited. Dallas rolls into Miami after completely abliterating the Giants last week, and there seems to be no reason to think the Dolphins won't be the latest victim of Romo and his silly ears.

Yes, I've stooped to mocking his ears. How third-grade, I know. Let me have this, though. To wet your proverbial whistle for Sunday's game, check here, here, or here.


The obvious, beaten-to-death question this weekend involves Miami's defense against Dallas' offense, specifically the secondary against TO and, I can't believe I'm mentioning this, Jason Witten...the tight end. (Yes, one of the big concerns this week is whether our linebackers and secondary can contain a 265-pound "receiver"). No one believes our secondary can cover TO. In fact, Renaldo Hill, Cam Cameron, Brandon Fields, Reggie Roby (RIP), Scott Secules and my library coworker, Flo, know damn well that TO will go over 100 yards with a couple scores.

However, our defense is damn good...and by defense I mean our front seven. I wouldn't be surprised if Miami holds Dallas under 20, but the question still remains whether our offense can muster up enough zing to crack double digits in points.

In short, hold Dallas under 20, we have a slight chance.

I'll be watching:

...The Offense. Can they surprise me, for the love of God?

...Brown and Chatman (Still unknown whether he'll suit up) Sure, the offensive line's a joke, but it's not changing anytime soon. As impressive as Romo and TO looked against New York, the Cowboy defense blew. Let's see if Ronnie can keep some drives going and, hey, maybe even help us score in the redzone! What a thought, huh?

...Joey Porter? We signed him, right?

...Third-down conversions. I don't think I've ever seen a team struggle as much on third downs than the Dolphin squads of the past few years. This is one of the many reasons we are continually awful.

...Safeties. Come to think of it, who's starting in Bell's place? Worrell, Lehan, Darius, Thompson?

...Trent Green's "pocket presence".

...for any Dolphin on offense to show any kind of leadership skills. Hell, even a hand-clap after a first down would be nice. Maybe a fist pump after a 10-yard slant. Basically, any kind of life from the offense would make my week.

Forecast: For the first half of regulation, Dallas starters hang around the locker room, sipping daiquiris and competing in a Street Fighter 2 tournament (Terrance Newman picks up the win, shocking even more so because of his character choice: Dhalsim). In the third quarter, they arrive and do just enough. Ginn scores the only touchdown for Miami on a 87-yard end-around and his family joins him on the field for the TD celebration. Cam brushes a tear from his right eye. Dallas, 19-13.

Good Question, My Good Man

In his latest, Salguero presents an interesting question:

That's top-ranked as in No. 1, as in 45 points good against the Giants in the season-opener, as in having scored six touchdowns in one game.

How long will it take the Dolphins to score six touchdowns this season?

Let's seriously consider this. I'm set the line at Oakland (Week 4).

Where Charleston Heston and Cam Cameron are Similar

Because of "The Man", I didn't see the Washington game and hence didn't notice this:

Come the NFL's opening weekend, Atlanta, Dallas, Green Bay, Indianapolis, Jersey/A, Miami, Minnesota, New England, Philadelphia and Tennessee regularly lined up in a shotgun spread, even on rushing downs.

This is from a Tuesday Morning Quarterback column on the popularity of the shotgun spread on the collegiate and pro levels.

I will never pretend to be overly knowledgeable in the x's and o's of the game, and honestly, I'm more concerned with which cornerback our quarterbacks will complete a pass to rather than where our QBs are lined up. So I'm curious as to whether more shotgun sets are part of Cam's guru-dom, the only logical solution to a swiss-cheese offensive line minus execution (Literary, like shooting them), or both.

Did we line up in shotgun regularly with the "F Brothers" (Frerotte, Fiedler and Feely. I know, how clever)? I'm inclined to say no.

Kevin Everett

To hell with rivalries. You don't wish these kinds of injuries on anyone, and word of Kevin Everett's improved prognosis sparks a peculiar touch of Bills pride in me.

Great news here, boys.

Phins sign safeties Darius, Thompson...and J.B. Brown

We can't blame the Phins for procrastinating. As expected, the team signed Donovin Darius, and also added a former Titan -- Lamont Thompson. Looking on the bright side, at least we got some experience back there, and regardless of whomever wins the safety job, I assume the other will line up in the nickel and dime packages.

Thompson's not a bad signing considering the short notice. According to the Sun-Sentinel article, he accumulated 77 tackles and three picks last season (Pro Football Reference says 55 tackles. I assume these are unassisted).

These two will do.

To make room, Miami cut defensive end Akbar Gbaja-Biamila, which is a tad shocking seeing as though he kicked ass in the preseason.

Meanwhile, it looks as if Jason Allen is sitting tight at the cornerback position despite his background as a safety. This poor guy's got a target on his back.

Belichick Denies Cheating, Admits to Possessing a 'Black Heart and Deep Hatred of the Human Race'

What to make of this...

How long has New England been stealing signals? Belichick, you sly mother f$#$er.

Hell's Bells

Bell's out for the year, and now former Jags safety Donovin Darius is working out for the team. This is logical enough when a list of likely fill-ins consist of the following: Travaris Tillman, Courtney Bryan and Cameron Worrell. It's so bad, coaches are open to moving Travis Daniels into the safety spot and naming Michael Lehan as No. 2 cornerback. Wow.

If there was one bright spot in the group of hacks we call our safeties, it was Bell. Now we're playing rent-a-player with Darius. My thoughts of him are still anchored sometime in 2003, when he and Rashean Mathis were one of the league's top safety tandems. What he can do now is anyone's guess.

Bummer.

WSH: 16 MIA: 13 OT

Ugh. Looks like the same old Dolphins, and though I'd love to lay into the team and list the plethora of reasons why the Phins continually make my weeks miserable, I'll try to remain optimistic and a non-"Fire Cameron Immediately" type of fan.

Again, I'm forced to agree with this d-bag.

I didn't see a bit of the game because of work. I know, the NFL season opener is like Christmas. Not only does it ring in the greatest time of the year, but everyone -- including Miami -- has a shot...and I had to f#$ing work. A friend text-messaged me all the updates, and I knew it wasn't going well due to the fact that I received one text in what seemed like the first hour of play.

Where to start, really? Dropped balls, Travis Daniels getting lit by Randel El, a gimpy Clinton Portis nearly going over the century mark and our pitiful running game. Add to that mess a season-ending injury to Yeremiah Bell and we're grabbing ankles. I'll get to Bell in a future post.

With another usual avoidance of the end-zone, I was almost certain Trent Green threw for no more than 175 and was picked off at least twice. In reality, he didn't do all that bad -- 23/38 for 219 and a touch. However, we're one Fred Smoot drop from condemning Green for a Feelian or Fiedlerian performance. That's never good.

I'm not gonna harp too much over this loss, but the continual lack of production on the offensive side of the ball is frustrating. I can't even imagine what Thomas and Taylor think after these types of losses. I bet it's something like, "16 points? You couldn't do better than 16 f$#@ing points, guys?"

And where the hell was Joey Porter?

Game 1 @ WSH

I can't believe it. Week one is here. The Cam Cameron era begins, blah blah blah...An unlikely candidate for the playoffs, yadda yadda yadda. Can Trent Green play anymore, yackidy yack.

It's Saturday night. It's late, but what kind of Dolphin blog would this be if I didn't get a preview up before the first game of the year? Don't answer that.

OK, let's see. Washington. The Redskins. Mark Rypien and Earnest Byner murdered Buffalo in...what was it?...Super Bowl 26...Art Monk...That's the last I heard from the Redskins, somewhere back in 1992.

Miami clearly holds the advantage. Jason Campbell, an injured Clinton Portis...Joe Gibbs... Daniel Synder...a derogatory team name...the Redskins are in a slide coming around turn one. Chances are, the Skins will run Ladell Betts a lot and Campbell will throw the ball about 20 times and try desperately not to lose the game.

Prediction: Ginn returns the opening kickoff for the Phins' only score. In celebration, Ginn does the Gator Chomp in the endzone just to be ironic. Miami: 11 Redskins: 6, in the most boring season opener in Dolphin history.

Saban Confirms Ties to Al-Qaeda?

All right, cool. Some drama that really isn't.

Nick Saban reportedly sent letters of thanks to his former Dolphin players, including Ronnie Brown. Apparently I'm the only guy who thinks this was merely a kind gesture, a harmless thanks to his former players and not some attempt to distract the team from its first game without him.

On a side note: It never ceases to amaze me the amount of Saban-haters who resort to personal, subjective and horribly misspelled and punctuated tirades when addressing anything Nick "Satan", as if the guy personally did them wrong, like, set fire to their houses or slit their dogs' throats.

Consider this comment from "Ted":

"I hate Nick Saban. I hate that man with a passion. He is no better than the child molesters, spousal abusers, rapists, murderers, and terrorists of the world. That's how much I hate Nick Saban. Go away, Nick!"

Congratulations, guys. You're fucking idiots.

Shock and Awe

Brace yourselves, folks. This headline is sure to surprise you.

Other timely, insightful column headlines to look forward to:

"Saban was a bad coach"
"Culpepper didn't impress in '06"
"Jesse Chatman is fast"
"Zach Thomas isn't as tall as other LBs"
"Jason Taylor is pretty good"

Thoughts

Here we are just days away from the regular season opener against Washington and the beginning of a glorious 12-4 season. No? All right, let's get realistic...11-5.

I don't care how bad the Phins are projected to be, it's September and, damnit, nothing can get me down...except for maybe LJ Shelton being named starting right tackle. Yeah, that's a bummer. And in broader sense, the offensive line sucking...and Trent Green...Chris Chambers...they're question marks, too.

...

Hakim was released (smart move) along with others. The final preseason game was a bore. Reagan Mauia will be our starting full back, freeing up a spot on the roster for Patrick Cobbs, and Joey Porter is participating in practices.

I'm having a look at Omar's Over/Unders for the Dolphin season, and I'm shocked at the number of commentators who have the team pegged for the over in wins, which is set at seven. Wishful thinking? I'm going Push...a 7-9 season is OK in my book. Looking into my magical crystal ball here (on-sale at Target), I see John Beck taking the starting job sometime late in the season, getting us back to .500 with his overachieving play, leading fans to believe that Beck is the Savior, and then throwing a total of 10 INTS in the final two regular season games. Fans will then spend the next six months of the off-season debating John Boy's leadership and decision-making skills. Management will address this aura of doubt in the off-season by signing Vinny Testaverde, who will in turn be our starting QB in 2008.

Seriously though, that whole "QB of the future" nonsense is just a polite way of subliminally communicating to Green that he best not put this season in the shitter or John Boy's taking the reigns.

And lastly, from the same Sun-Sentinel blog:

"So, can Ginn Jr. outperform McDuffie, who averaged 23.6 yards on kickoffs, 11.3 yards on punt returns with two touchdowns, and catch 19 passes for 197 yards."

The fact that we're even questioning if Ginn -- the No. 9 pick in the draft, in case you forgot -- can put up those kind of numbers is...what's the word...(voice from the other room)..."laughable and infuriating?" Yeah, that sounds about right -- laughable and infuriating. Yet, I will remain optimistic that Ginn will aid in getting us into the damn end-zone.

A Kneeslapper

Typical. The first play that I witness via NFL.com's play-by-play is a John Beck interception. Hysterical. I'll post some thoughts on the game tomorrow evening.

Hey, Jason Allen's got two tackles. Nice.

Battle?

I had no idea the running back "battle" was this close. Whether Brown or Chatman wins the job is beside the point. We got ourselves a tandem, and that's a good thing.

Chambers On the Block...Kidding...No Seriously, He is...Or Is He?

Interesting day for Chris Chambers and reporters alike. First, Chambers is on the block. Now he's not. Still the same, the cat is out of the bag, and Chambers is likely finished with the Phins next year. I figured he had only one more year left in Miami to prove his worth at the No. 1, and thankfully that seems like the case. I say "thankfully" because, as much as I've tried to be a Chambers fans, he just isn't that good. Period. Sure, the rent-a-QBs the Dolphins have employed since Marino haven't helped his production, but Chambers gets his share of balls. We can reference TO's success working with different QBs, coaches and playbooks, but comparing the two isn't apples to apples. TO exceeds Chambers in every category, most importantly in talent.

With that said, Chambers has remained healthy each year and I'll give him credit in that regard. He HAS been our guy for seven seasons and that has to mean something. Scanning our roster, he is one of a few draft picks who have worked out in terms or reliability (What's up, Yatil Green?). Sadly, his numbers just aren't there.

There was still a part of me that immediately thought trading Chambers would be a bad idea. Not because of trade value, but because I'm still holding out hope that he dominates this year. Even if he does pull a rabbit out of the hat, the wise choice would be to trade him while his value is high. There are those words again. How many times have you heard fans say "hope" or "if" in the same sentence with Chambers? Plenty of times.

The fact of the matter still remains -- this is Cam Cameron's team, and seeing as though he's an offensive-minded coach, I'll trust his judgement into who he feels to be the right fit in his offense. If Chambers isn't the guy he wants as the No. 1 target, which I'm assuming he doesn't, by all means cut him loose.

Perhaps, Chambers is the recipient of criticism for the same reason Jay Fiedler was: He will never be capable of playing at or above expectations. The fact he's a skill-position player doesn't help his cause either. For every season of ho-hum numbers, we're left to think of what we could have, what we're supposed to have at the No. 1 -- a playmaker. It's about time management recognizes that need.

Things

Ya think Tim Dwight's still got some gas in the tank? If so, sign HIM for his veteran leadership. What makes him better than Hakim: Dwight can actually run.

Roster analysis from Omar Kelly. Dig this guy's writing.

Huh?

Game 3: TB 31 Miami 28

One of the things that is cool about a blog is I can be a few days late with my thoughts on a game from Saturday. I'll keep this short.

1) Offensive Line -- gave up three sacks and allowed our backs to average 3.3 yards per. Our line sucks. Let's not sugar-coat it.

2) The "Underdog" receivers, i.e. Kerry Reed -- As stated yesterday, my current irk is with management's liking of Hakim, who hasn't played a down. Several reporters have referenced Reed's inconsistency on the field, and from what it sounds, this inconsistency is what put Hakim ahead of Reed. OK, so cut a rookie who can actually improve on his "consistency" and give the spot to a veteran who is "consistent" at being injured. Silly.

To the game, Reed caught one ball...for two yards, and PK Sam caught two for 60 and a touch. (Shakes head and rolls eyes) Just cut Hakim.

3)The Secondary -- They won't win us games. Jason Allen got beat for six. Where to begin with Allen's progress or lack there of.

4) Jesse Chatman -- chump change running the ball. Earned a touch, though.

5) Ted Ginn on kick returns -- didn't return a kick, but was utilized where a first-round speedster should be: In the slot.

Some other good signs: We completed half of our third-down conversions; had a few nice drives and stretched the field a little bit; Ginn got some reps catching balls; Lorenzo Booker out of the backfield - nice; John Beck looked great, and Matt Roth is making me feel good about our D-Line

MIA @ NO on Thursday.

Phins Cut Nine Dudes

It's been a busy few days, and I still haven't gotten around to Saturday's loss to TB. Anyway, the Phins cut nine guys today, one of them being David Sutton, whose size made him one of my favorites to make the team, and DT Kevin Vickerson, who Dolphin brass wisely considered to be expendable.

Sutton's release now makes Kerry Reed the clear frontrunner to challenge Az-Zahir Hakim. As I stated before, I just can't justify cutting Reed who's impressed (albeit on a smaller degree) to make room for an injured veteran who is riding solely on experience. That's ridiculous reasoning.

Game 3: TB @ Miami Preview

The Phins got the Bucs tomorrow in game three of the preseason. Here's what we know going in: (1) Zach Thomas and Jason Taylor will make their preseason debuts and (2) Bobby Knight will be there, which you're sure to be reminded of countless times during the game (if you're lucky enough to see it). I'm setting the over/under on Bobby Knight camera shots at 10. I'll take the over.

Green's the starter, so we can put the never-was controversy to bed. As it's been pointed out, this is the last game before the first round of cuts and some of these guys may not get another shot to prove themselves (PK Sam, for instance).

Similar to Game 2, I'll be watching the following:

1. The Offensive Line, specifically Anthony Alabi and the pass blocking in general. The left side looked pretty damn good opening up holes for Ronnie against the Chiefs. Hopefully, the line continues to "gel" as a "unit".

2. The "Underdog" receivers -- Which will make cases to make the team? The battle right now is between Kerry Reed and Az-Zahir Hakim, but with no receptions and some banged up legs, Hakim isn't helping his cause. I can't see how he makes it through the first round of cuts without even as much as stepping out on the field.

Will Cameron let Green, Lemon and the receiving corp have a little fun? Let's see some deep balls to Ginn and Hagan. Fire it up, dudes. Let's go.

3. The secondary.

4. Jesse Chatman. He's been a freak through the first two games. Can he keep it going? If he continues into the regular season, the idea of a Brown/Chatman tandem could potentially open up our entire offense. It's still early, but think of how our passing game could benefit with two speedsters in the backfield. Damn.

5. Will Ted Ginn run East-West on punt returns? He hasn't done anything impressive thus far, and the Dolphin cynics are already grumbling.

Unfortunately, this time around, I won't have the benefit of watching the game on TV. Instead I'll ride solely with the drive charts. Exciting stuff.

Wayne

Huizenga is a solid owner, and I can't relate to several idiot comments made on various Herald and Sun-Sentinel article threads this year implying that Wayne has faltered in the past few years. Again, let me stress the "idiot" part of the previous sentence. Considering other teams and their higher ups, I'd say we're quite fortunate to have a guy who legitimately cares for the organization and does whatever possible to field a winner.

This semi-brief and completely random thought comes after reading this story on Wayne and the dreaded term -- "rebuilding". Disregarding the completely absurd questions involving the possibility of Michael Vick in teal and orange -- a notion that is sure to fan the flames of comical speculation, Huizenga's comments further communicate to fans (to me at least) that winning is objective No. 1. It's comforting to know that a fan is in the driver's seat, ya know?

Green Named Starter

Congratulations, Cleo Lemon. You are now the most popular guy in Dade County.

Game 2: Dolphins - 11 Chiefs - 10

My plan was to just take in the first half, then I got reeled in. Something came up and I missed the majority of the second half. Here's what I saw.

1) QBs -- Trent Green redeemed himself in his second outing, going 4/7 with 41 before being yanked after Miami's second possession. From what I saw, two of those incompletions slipped out of the hands of Derek Hagan and David Martin during Miami's first drive. Take it with a grain of salt: Trent looked OK. Cleo was sharp right of the gate, completing his first five passes and finishing 8/11 for 52 yards going into halftime. He fumbled deep in his own territory after RT Anthony Alabi gave Taleb Hali a free pass at Lemon. I came back to the television just in time to see John Beck dive in for the two-point conversion. Yikes! We was this close to getting "scrambled eggs".

2) The offensive line -- Not exactly a dominant performance, but...I don't know... they looked OK. I had my eyes on Vernon Carey most of the time, and he seemed to handle his man throughout the first half. The rest -- Satele, Hadnot, Alabi and Liwienski -- didn't do anything horrible enough to warrant a scolding by a telestrating Ron Jaworski. Except, of course, Alabi's error. Like the old saying goes, if you don't notice the offensive lineman, they're doing an all-right job (or something like that).

3) Chris "F#$%ing" Chambers -- one catch. Eight yards. Thanks for coming out.

4) Ronnie F$##ing" Brown -- The highlight of the first half. In the first quarter alone, he rushed 11 times for 58 yards. THAT's the Ronnie Brown we'll be looking for when the games actually count.

5) FB competition -- Didn't seem like one. I wanted to see some Mauai or Scheslinger on some 3rd and 2's or 4th and inches. Scratch that itch, ya know? Mauia DID have a third-down conversion during a drive that would die a horrible death. That's progress, right? Let's move on.

6) Entire offensive unit -- Looked good, not great. As stated before, each QB contributed; the line didn't embarrass themselves, and Ronnie ran straight ahead 89 percent of the time (No facts to support this claim, by the way). Chatman once again looked great. With three minutes remaining in the game, he's got ho-hum numbers on the ground (8 for 19) but a "Hey, it looks good on paper" 5 catches for 53 yards. Not too much from the receiving corps. In fact, they're not even worth mentioning.

7) The secondary -- Current nickel corner Michael Lehan fair-caught a terribly under-thrown ball from Croyle, and Cameron Worrell whiffed on a tackle, costing us 6. Some dude named Casey Printers looks like f#$ing Joe Montana out there against our scrubs -- 7/8 105.

In other "Why am I even bothering" news: Brandon Fields again had a problem getting one kick off. Several recaps from the Jags game made mention of how long it took Fields to get off punts. I agree that this isn't the most detrimental concern for the team at this point, and, with that said, forget I even mentioned it.

Also, I enjoyed Jaws' insight tonight. He'll make a great fit on Monday nights.

All right, game over. Phins win 11-10. Good night, Lou.

Next up: Tampa Bay on Saturday, Aug. 25.

Dolphins/Chiefs Preview

The Phins got the Chiefs tonight, a game that will run on ESPN. Trent gets the start against his former mates, much to the dismay of the growing number of Lemonheads.

I'll be watching:

1) The quarterbacks. Trent Green didn't make any friends in his first outing, and Cleo won the world over and is now making a late push for a 2008 presidential nomination with his five-completion performance against the Jags.

2) The offensive line. Rex Hadnot and Vernon Carey are all but locks for starting spots, but I still want to see how they'll perform the rest of the preseason. If these guys suck ass, we're in some serious trouble.

3) Chris "Fu$&ing" Chambers.

4) Ronnie "Fu#%ing" Brown.

5) The battle between rookie Reagan Mauia and Cory Schlesinger. I know the idea of handing off to the fullback is a CRAZY idea, but I'd like to see these two get some opportunities in short-yardage situations, especially third-downs.

6) Basically the entire offensive unit.

7) Can the secondary keep up with Canton-bound Eddie Kennison and Rod Gardner? These guys are young, can fly and put up big numbers. (Note: None of these statements are true.)

I'll probably take in the first half. Expect some comments tonight.

Late addition: ESPN.com has a story up about tonight's game and (surprise, surprise) Green's return to KC. Did you know Trent Green used to play for the Chiefs, a team located in Kansas City? That's what the "KC" stands for.

Tecmo Reference

Courtesy of the Sun-Sentinel's Ethan Skolnick, Jesse Chatman on his 74-yard TD in Saturday night's exhibition win over the Jags:

"I felt them," he said of the chasing Jaguars. "But like I was telling the fellas on the sideline, I had to hit them with the Tecmo Bowl and go with the angle on them. That's why I worked hard all offseason. Me and Az Hakim, we worked out in San Diego, and the workout that we do, it gets you right. That's why I was able to lose all the weight that I lost."

ANY athlete who pulls out a Tecmo reference is OK in my book.

Phins Win Preseason Opener; Fans Lose Common Sense

Late last night, I read this recap of Saturday's exhibition win over the Jags and, after reading the first few sentences, I figured I'd wait until today to post my thoughts. First, Trent Green sucked something fierce, and my initial reaction was to agree with those Miami fans who booed him off the field at halftime. Sure, we're all sick of the hype and inflated expectations that come as soon as camp opens, but c'mon.

I don't want to read too much into Green's first outing because this is, after all, a preseason game. Analyze this all you want, but I'll give the guy at least a few more tries of regular season action to prove that Cam didn't make one hell of a mistake. What should we expect, really?

There seems to be an overwhelming feeling of dread amongst the legion of Dolphins fans, who after one half of an exhibition game are forecasting a five-win season and anxiously awaiting for John Beck. I'm pretty cynical, but not that cynical. I'll give the coaching staff the benefit of the doubt and believe Trent Green to be the most optimal choice at quarterback. In the long line of ass-clowns this team has employed, Green is a clear improvement. Give the guy a break.

Now, about the offense in general. I'm looking through the drive-by-drive charts, and it looks like the same old Dolphins -- punt, punt, punt, punt, fumble, interception on our first six possessions. Yes, Green sure contributed with a number of misfires, but word has it our o-line looked putrid, which only added to Ronnie Brown's inability to run six feet. I do know this: 267 yards of total offense doesn't help our chances, and most certainly doesn't quell any feelings of doubt pertaining to the supposed "improved" offense. (This is only preseason. This is only preseason. This is only preseason. OK, Lou? Move on.)

What else? Since I didn't actually see the game, I'm taking what I can from the box scores and the like.

Bright spots: Jesse Chatman, who is mentioned quite frequently in the Sun-Sentinel's camp updates for his quickness and overall impressive play, had a 74-yard TD run and finished up with 88 yards on six carries. Other than that, Derek Hagan's 47 yards receiving? (Reaching), Jason Allen's 4 tackles? (Reaching a lot), Brandon Fields' seven "sky-scraping punts"? (I'm losing feeling in my arm).

Next up is Green's return to KC on Thursday, which should make for some nice pre-game drama.

Back in the Saddle

It's been a hectic couple of weeks for this guy, and I haven't had a ton of time to read through the countless Dolphin posts in my Bloglines reader. In fact, I'm just getting around to them. I have to hand it to the Herald and Sun-Sentinel reporters who offer up tons of information that would otherwise be nixed from the daily. Kudos, boys.

First up, from today's camp update, Jason Allen appears to still be struggling finding his niche with the team. This is discouraging on a number of levels. The obvious being his inability to impress even in the slightest. As you know, our secondary is starving for somebody...anybody to compete at the safety and cornerback positions. More so at safety, but whatever. With that said...

"It appears Michael Lehan has locked down that nickel spot, holding off Jason Allen. I've honestly tried to evaluate Allen without attaching his first round pick status, and to be fair he doesn't get beat as much as guys like Mitchell. But he is usually invisible. I'm starting to wonder if he'd have been better off staying at safety. Wasn't he moved to cornerback so he could break into the nickel package, starting to contribute on a regular basis? I'm sensing the most important role he might have in 2007 is as a flyer on the special teams unit."

Allen can't compete at the nickel spot. The number three corner. Behind the likes of Will Allen and looks-OK-for-being-young Travis Daniels. Allen is losing his job to Michael Lehan. No disrespect to Lehan, but he...well...he's Michael Lehan. Think hard about this: First. Round. Pick. Jason. Allen. Isn't. Good. Enough. To. Be. The. Team's. Third. Corner. Excuse me while I bite the curb.

In more uplifting news, it seems Ted Ginn is in on a lot of action, whether it be in the return game or running routes. This is good, friends. This is nice.

The first depth chart is out. Couple things: First, as Armando points out, the offensive line will go through a number of changes and switch-arounds over the next few weeks so I'll take o-line news with a grain of salt. Next, Hey! PK Sam! Every year this guy's in the hunt. I forgot all about it until I saw him in an NFL Europe game on TV this past year. I admire his determination. Maybe that's why I like him so much. That or I just enjoy his little-kid name. "Hey, PK Sam! Check out my new Super Soaker!" Lastly, and excuse my redundancy, but look at that friggin' secondary. Yack!

More on David Sutton. All that talk of former volleyball player this and former baseball player that and (thankfully) not one mention of Antonio Gates.

Also, I had a slight spell of dumbass in one of my previous posts that claimed James Lofton's son -- whatever his first name is -- to be a receiver. He is, in fact, a corner and no longer employed by the Dolphins.

I'll be back this weekend for a recap of Saturday's pre-season opener. Enjoy it, gorgeous.

Ginn signs

Booya!

Real quick: I've read some of the comments on the Herald's Web site and some of them are classics, including this one:

"[Ginn] better be as good as Devin Hester or else, what a wasted draft pick."

In which I would respond with: Even if he did have a better year than Hester, Ginn WOULD STILL BE A F$%^ING WASTE OF A FIRST-ROUND DRAFT PICK!! YOU F$#%#ING IDIOT!!! HESTER WAS A F#&^ING SECOND-ROUNDER!!! YOU DRAFT F#$%ING SKILL POSITION PLAYERS IN THE F&*^ING FIRST ROUND, NOT F#$%ING KICK RETURNERS!

If everything works out the way it should, Ginn will prove his worth as a wideout.

David Sutton and Antonio Gates Syndrome

Receiver David Sutton has been mentioned a couple times in camp reports, and like Kerry Reed before him, I have no idea about this guy's qualities other than his size -- 6'6". The Sentinel has a feature on him today.

He, like the other "Who Dey?" receivers in camp -- Reed, Malone, Lofton -- are long shots, but they're making good on their first impressions and that's always a good thing. I wonder, though, if this is just blind optimism, that so-and-so has "the look" of a great receiver, yet will never make it past the practice squad.

I'm reminded of last year's camp in which the team had so much talent at the position that management was open to trading one or two of them. If I remember correctly, guys like P.K. Sam, Aromashodu and Vick were in the mix among a few others, and it appeared we'd be stacked with up-and-comers. Then that plan went in the shitter.

Anyway, seeing that Sutton was a star volleyballer -- a fact that was mentioned in the lede of this particular feature -- I'm curious as to how long it will take for some receiver, any receiver from any team who excelled in a collegiate sport other than football, to get Antonio Gates comparisons. Happens every year. Some long shot who kicked ass in hoops, volleyball, whatever, is suddenly an attractive option for the receiving corps. Seeing as Cameron coached Gates in SD, the Phins and their no-namers are vulnerable. Take heed.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Antonio Gates Syndrome:

A faceless GM and coach sit on one end of a long, freshly lacquered conference table. Strictly for humor sake, let's imagine they're holding hands:

GM: "How do our receivers look?"
Coach: "We got the size but no talent."
GM: "Hmm...I was up in Montana last year and saw this guy, think his name was Jimmy Dickballs. He went to Montana State. One hell of a bricklayer."
Coach: "Bricklayer, huh? He's gotta have good hands, right?"
GM: "...and ya know, that Gates from San Dee-yea-gah once played the basketball in college...never played college ball."
Coach: "No kiddin'?"
GM to secretary: "Samantha, get me Jimmy Dickballs on the phone."
Samantha: "Who?"
GM: "NOW!"

Plopped down in an over-sized easy chair, Fan 1 scans the Daily. "Taxes are up. Wars breaking out," he says aloud to himself as he shakes his head as if to say, Unbelievable. In the sports section, under "Transactions", a brief: Miami Dolphins sign BL Jimmy Dickballs. Terms undisclosed. Fan 1 lifts his eyeglasses from the tip of his nose and narrows in on the bit of news. He calls his Dolphin-superfan, also known as Fan #2.

Fan 1: "We signed Jimmy Dickballs. Who the hell is this guy?"
Fan 2: "Bricklayer from Montana State. Management says he has great hands."
Fan 1: "He didn't play ball in college?"
Fan 2: "Nope. But you know that Antonio Gates, the tight end from San Diego, he didn't play football either. Played basketball."
Fan 1: "Cam Cameron coached at San Diego."
Fan 2: "Exactly. This guy will be a superstar."
Fan 1: "Nice!"
Fan 2: "The Jets are looking for possession receivers, too. Heard they're hitting up every hair salon in the city. I'm telling ya, you don't have to play football to play professional football."
Fan 1: "Niccccccceeeeeeee."
Fan 2: "SEW-PER STAR!"
Fan 1: "NICCEEEEEE!!!!"

...and done.

From Camp...

Apparently, Lorenzo Booker is making a fool of himself returning punts in camp, but receiver Kerry Reed is looking dominant. If you're like me and have no idea who Reed is or how he ended up on the squad, have a look at some of his numbers, here. He signed as a free agent, by the way.

Also, this is officially the most news I've heard regarding a punter. It seems every reporter who has witnessed the greatness that is Brandon Fields can't help but mention his kicks. Ah, man! Maybe he's the next Louie Aguiar!

And finally, Ted Ginn calls Huizenga's bluff.

D-NiceNess Weekend Recap: Arrests and Polygamy

I just returned from a nice little Sabbatical to Pittsburgh, a trip fueled by scores of ballpark beers, old friends and a terrible Pirates team shut out by Woody Williams. But that's neither here nor there. I've since caught up on the latest Dolphin happenings.

Here's what I find either worthwhile, entertaining or both:

Man, the Dolphins are getting more criminal by the day. That's what I thought to myself when I read the headline "Campbell Drug Charges Put Dolphins Atop NFL Arrests". This after I laughed uncontrollably and attempted to chest bump a fellow library visitor (He denied my request...that jerk off). Seriously, I was only kidding when I said I wanted to see more Dolphins getting arrested. Apparently, Campbell's drug use and NOT his assumed love of Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon and patchouli is what led to his release.

Incidentally, Joey Porter was dinged 100 Ger for jacking Levi Jones in the kisser, but he was not suspended. Perfect. Nicely played.

Second-round pick and future hopeful John "Boy" Beck has officially signed with the team, and, in celebration of his signing, every man in Utah has added four more wives. Kudos, boys. At least when those white-shirted gentlemen show up on my front door pedaling the Book of Mormon, there's a slight possibility they'll be donning Beck replicas.

The Sun-Sentinel blog is full of training camp happenings that are updated quite frequently. For now, this is close as I get to witnessing the orgasmic thrill of 7-on-7 drills and "Reggie-Roby like skyscraping punts". God, I can't wait for the season to start.

I think Dan Le Batard is a major tool box. His writing is fine and dandy, but it's usually so f#$#ing smug that I feel compelled to write him a short, two-word e-mail. Something like "Kill Yourself", "Eat Me"or the always-effective,"You Suck". Add to that his PTI appearances -- where, to me, it seems as if Le Batard's only goal is to convince the world he doesn't actually suck but is merely a huge boner. His latest column got under my skin because (1) it's Le Batard writing about the Dolphins, (2) he uses a forced analogy involving scorned lovers, and (3) he's so f#$$ing right it makes me ill. Damn you.

Brief

Go get 'em, Joey! Don't forget your helmet!

I kid, I kid. In all seriousness, I'll always be a Joey Harrington supporter. Good luck to him.

In other news, second-round pick Samson Satele has signed.

C-Pep is Donzo

Culpepper is officially a goner. He referred to his release as a "victory" and waxed Ghandi to reporters.

How excited we once were to have C-Pep in teal and orange, and now he leaves quietly after four games of production, one of the bigger disappointments in my days of Dolphin fandom. In hindsight, what a terrible waste of a second-rounder, but, damn, it would have been nice if he healed up quicker.

Peace, God. One.

Judge Not, Lest Ye Be Judged

Let's not judge Chris Chambers after his latest arrest. I agree. DWI is a serious offense, but he wasn't officially over the legal limit, and overall he's kept his proverbial nose clean throughout his career. Let's not judge him for that.

Let's judge Chris Chambers for being possibly the most overrated player in the game today and unable to "harness" all that talent we've been hearing so much about.

I don't want to come off as a Dolphin hater here. I like Chambers and route for him even when he's sucking, which is about 85 percent of the time. My skin just crawls when I read some variation of "Chambers is a talented receiver, although he hasn't always had the production to match his talent".

After seven seasons, let's stop sugar-coating it. It's possible that Chambers might suck. Gasp! His '05 campaign might have been a fluke. E-Gads! Maybe he's not a No.1 guy? Noooo!